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Title:"Sanubian Sunshine 3: Ghost-light"
Summary: Part 3 - in which there is much interior monologue, and Auron asks Rikku to touch his... well, you read it. Set directly after the big romance scene in Macalania. Author's Notes: This has gone through about a dozen incarnations. I'm still not happy with it. The characterization is weak, on both sides. I have tried to make it sweet without being sappy. The hints of Auron/Braska from Part 2 make a reappearance. For those who might shy away from this, I have two words: platonic love. Sanubian Sunshine 3: Ghost-light Rikku picked her way carefully across the small camp. Even lit by the moon and stars, the Macalania night wasn't so bright that there was no chance of tripping. With wood as hard and sharp as stone, and leaves like blades of glass, stumbling around in the dark wasn't a very smart thing to do. Even the fiends stayed put at night. Rikku glanced behind her. Tidus and Yuna sat very close together, talking quietly. Their heads and hands almost touched. If they weren't lovers yet, it wouldn't be long now. A little distance away Wakka sat glumly, Lulu standing at his side. There too Rikku could see a connection, though it was harder to interpret. Wakka seemed to be resting against Lulu's leg, or maybe it was she who leaned on him. Rikku sighed to herself. Everyone was pairing up. After the revelations and trials of the last few days, it only made sense for their little band to seek comfort with each other. Besides Kimahri, only Auron still stood alone, his coat black in the blue light. The older guardian stood at the very edge of the clearing, his back turned to them all. He was 'tired', he'd claimed earlier, as he'd sent Tidus after Yuna. But he hadn't stretched out to sleep, or crouched down to rest, as he sometimes did, with his knee folded close to his chest. And Rikku could recall the ragged edge to his voice as he'd shouted at the fiend that had once been Seymour Guado. Yuna and the others might have had their faith in Yevon shaken, but today Auron had lost a friend. He didn't seem like a man who had enough of those to take the loss of one lightly. She wondered too, about Auron's feelings concerning their changed relationship. They had not had a chance to talk since Yuna's rescue. Auron didn't treat her coldly, but the warmth that she had somehow expected to appear never had. "Hi," Rikku whispered as she drew near him, keeping her voice low out of respect for the night's stillness. "I thought you could use some company." Auron's head moved slightly, acknowledging her presence, but he didn't look away from the path to the lake. She stood at Auron's left hand and tried to see what he was staring at. There was nothing there but a few drifting pyreflies. "What are you looking at?" A small grunt was Auron's only reply. He stood as still as ever, only the rise and fall of his chest separating him from the inanimate trees nearby. Rikku stood and watched the pyreflies for a while. Pretty little things. Hard to believe that each one was someone's death. One day, they'd all be clouds of pyreflies. And if things didn't go exactly right, that day might be soon. Rikku winced mentally. She couldn't stop worrying about Yuna, but if she dwelled on it anymore tonight, she'd go crazy. That was why she was over here -- to provide at least as much distraction for herself as for Auron. "So... what do you think of the two lovebirds?" Rikku ventured, jerking her thumb in the direction of Tidus and Yuna. Auron cast a glance toward the young couple and looked away. "What they do together is no business of mine." "But don't you think it's romantic?" Rikku grinned, adding a little sing-song lilt to the last word. Auron snorted. "We have little time for romance." Rikku frowned. "Is that so?" She looked back at Yuna, then up at Auron. "As long as Yuna continues her pilgrimage, you're happy, right?" Her voice had gone sour. She just couldn't let it go. "Yuna would stop, you know, if you asked her to. She wouldn't have to die." Auron shook his head, his expression, what Rikku could see of it, bleak. "Not so long ago, I would have pressured her to continue. But the choice must be exactly that. Her choice. Just as Braska chose." His voice thinned out and he fell silent. Rikku had a sudden flash of intuition. "You tried to talk him out of it, didn't you? You wanted him to turn back. But he wouldn't listen." "Of course not," Auron said quietly. His chin dipped a fraction farther into his collar. "He knew his duty." "Would it have been so bad, really? To want to live? Or to try to find another way?" "There was no other way," Auron said sharply. "There is no other way. You, of all people, should know that by now!" "But you didn't even try, did you? You and Braska and Sir Jecht, you just went on the way all the Summoners do, and Braska died for it!" Auron clenched his fist at his side and said nothing. His shoulders were as taut and hard as iron. "I'm sorry," Rikku said after a while. "That wasn't fair. I know you tried. And it must be terrible now, going through it again with his daughter." Silence. Not iron now, but stone, crumbling slowly under the weight of time, and despair. Sympathy welled up from Rikku's middle, making her chest ache. Sympathy, and if she was honest, maybe a little self-pity. She didn't want to watch her cousin die either. She stepped closer, wanting to give Auron a kiss on the cheek, but she couldn't find any skin she could reach. She settled for touching his hand, tucked against his ribs. The skin that met her fingers felt cold. Auron shifted, breaking the awkward connection. "Rikku--" "What, it doesn't work both ways? You get to comfort me, but all I can do is stand here?" Rikku put her hands on her hips. "That's not very fair, you know." "Life is seldom fair." Auron turned his face away, so that his scarred eye met her squarely: a grim, blind stare. "You don't have to do that," Rikku said irritably. "I know what you are. You can't scare me off, or whatever it is you're trying to do." Irritably because Auron was making her shiver a little bit. The skin around the scarred eye was darker, giving it a hollow look, and in the blue Macalania night Auron was pale and colorless, like some kind of undead fiend. Instead of flinching away, as she wish to do -- as no doubt Auron wished her to do -- Rikku forced herself to look hard. The scar was deep, a painful gouge slicing through his flesh; it must have been agony when it was fresh. She remembered how he'd appeared in that sphere Tidus had found. Ten years ago Auron had been pretty, almost beautiful, and he'd been painfully earnest. That young fellow was very unlike the hard-bitten, often cynical man she knew today. But that young man whom Rikku had never met still lived in the shell of the older one. She'd seen him in the way Auron protected everyone he could -- Yuna, herself, Tidus -- as best he knew how. She'd felt him in the way Auron had touched her, in that cramped passageway on her father's airship. And it showed in other, more subtle ways as well, ones that she couldn't hold up to herself and say, "Here, see? This is why you trust him," but that she knew were real all the same. "I care about you, you know," Rikku announced. To prove it, she grabbed two fistfuls of red cloth, and yanked him down to her level. She brushed her lips very lightly over his scarred eye. For a long moment Auron stood as if petrified, not even breathing. Then he tore from her grasp and strode away so fast that Rikku stumbled and nearly fell over. "What was that for?" Rikku called indignantly. "Hey!" But Auron kept moving, away from her and the camp. Angrily, Rikku dashed after him. He couldn't run away from her now. She found Auron standing at the crossroads and drew up short. Everything about him, from the set of his shoulders to the stance of his feet, shouted 'leave me alone'. His walls were five miles thick, so high and forbidding that Rikku couldn't get within ten feet of him. It felt like a slap in the face. Rikku blew out her breath slowly. "You're never going to let anyone close, are you? Not even me." Her voice carried through the absolute quiet, bitter and bleak. Auron made no reaction at all. Well, there was her answer. It didn't work both ways. He could give her what she needed, but his heart was too scarred-over to accept anything in return. Realizing that, Rikku grew up a little more, and wished that she hadn't. "Fine," she said at last. "Mope all you like. I'm going for a swim." She walked past Auron, careful not to touch, and followed the trail to the lake. Once there, Rikku stood a while, looking out over the spring-fed lake. The pyreflies were thick in the air here. They glittered and swirled like animate stars, their light dancing off the water's surface. The bank was soft fine sand, dimpled from the passage of previous visitors. Tidus and Yuna might have made love here only a couple of hours ago. Rikku's mouth twisted down as she thought of Auron standing on the trail, closed off and alone. She pushed him from her mind. He didn't want her. She looked at the water again. Tonight was a night for skinny-dipping. Rikku kicked off her shoes and stripped the rest of her clothes, removing everything, every hair-band, every braid and bracelet, until she stood as naked as the day she had been born. At her feet, the lake's edge lapped and hunched almost as if in welcome. Rikku stepped forward, and the water closed over her ankles like the touch of a friend. She waded further, until the lake rose to cover her calves, her waist, and then finally her small breasts. Rikku began to swim, pulling forward with strong, sure strokes. Her body cut through the water like glass, barely leaving a ripple in the silver surface. The water caressed her with cool fingers, supporting her within its gentle embrace. She dove, and it cradled her in the silent depths. Rikku had always loved the desert for its harsh beauty, but the water was her true home. Here, there was peace. Here was the point of balance for her soul. The water soothed her, dissolving the hot, tangled knot of emotion that centered around Auron. The hurt eased, the anger drained from her bones. She'd been silly; Auron had never wanted to get close to her. She'd almost literally thrown herself at him before he'd responded. She wondered briefly if it was death that made him so cold, or if the unsent were simply incapable of feeling. But no, that wasn't true. But how could the loss of anyone, even a dear friend, wound so deeply? It didn't matter, really. Rikku still cared. She thought she might be in love; the feeling was so different from anything else she'd ever felt that it was hard to tell. But certainty didn't matter either. It was enough to feel it. She would stay close, and try to be content with that. Someday Auron might reach out to her. Or they'd reach Zanarkand and nothing would matter except that Yuna would face Sin. The unease Rikku felt over Yuna's decision to continue the pilgrimage took longer to fade. In a way, she was proud of Yuna's courage and resolve. But she still couldn't stand the thought of her cousin dying. Somehow, some way, they would find a way to defeat Sin without sacrificing Yuna's life. There was so much they didn't know -- what lay ahead in Zanarkand, or exactly why calling the Final Aeon killed the summoner. They didn't even know where Sin came from, or what it really was. Besides big and mean and ugly. And very, very destructive. They would find a way to defeat it, and live through the victory. They had to. Finally Rikku let the matter drop. They still had the Calm Lands to cross, and Mt. Gagazet. There was time yet to think, and to learn. Mind cleared at last, Rikku floated in serene infinity for as long as her breath would last. Then she kicked upwards and broke the surface, drawing sweet air into her lungs. The sky caught her attention, so beautiful. Rikku floated on her back, looking up at the spill of stars across the vastness. It made her feel very small, and yet strangely comforted. There was one thing that Sin couldn't destroy -- the stars. At last, chilled and a little sleepy, Rikku turned and swam for shore. As she approached, she noticed a dark figure standing near the water's edge. At first she feared it might be a fiend, but then she recognized it as human. Auron. His belt and collar were gone, and his coat lay open, swaying gently as he breathed. Rikku spotted his things resting next to the meager pile of her clothes. From over the top of his glasses Auron watched her, and there was something in his expression that Rikku did not recognize. In twenty years she might be old enough to know what it was, but right now all she knew was that it drew her forward. She swam the last few feet and rose out of the water, determined not to be shy. Auron's eye widened slightly as she stepped forward, and Rikku realized this was the first time he'd ever seen her completely nude. In spite of herself, she shivered. Auron grasped the edges of his coat and spread it, silently offering to enclose her in its warmth. Reaching out. Rikku crossed the remaining distance in three quick strides, and then she was engulfed in the folds of his coat, Auron's scent and warmth rising up to fill her senses. She slid her arms around him carefully, more than half-expecting to be rejected again. Instead Auron held her close, arms tightening across her shoulders, and his chin resting on the top of her head. Rikku nuzzled his chest a little, feeling comfortably enclosed. "You don't have to push people away all the time, you know." "I'm sorry," Auron said, his deep baritone slightly rougher than usual. "It's a habit." "But maybe not a good one, huh?" "Perhaps not." Auron's hand found her hair, separating the wet strands with his fingers. His breath came a little strangely, almost uneven, catching at the bottom. Rikku whispered, "Are you crying?" Auron shook his head. "I've forgotten how." She petted the strong columns of muscle at his back. "Maybe it would help if you remembered." Auron made a small sound of negation. "There aren't enough tears to ease the pain." He held her tighter, whispering into her hair. "You were right, you know. I begged him to turn back. But he refused. I loved him, but he loved the people of Spira more." Rikku kept petting him, knowing there were no words to say. Auron pulled back after a minute, looking down at her. Some of the strain had eased from his face. He touched her jaw with his fingers, caressing her chin. "You are nothing like him. You question everything. You think about everything." Rikku bit her lip, saddened to think she was nothing like the man Auron had once loved. But she forgot in the next second, when Auron caught her chin, his eye blazing with desperate intensity. "You keep thinking, Rikku. Think hard." "I will," Rikku promised, reaching up to squeeze his hand. "And Tidus will too. We won't let Yunie die." Auron relaxed, drawing her close to him once more. "Good." They stood together for a long time, clinging to one another in the darkness. Finally Rikku opened her eyes and yawned. It was so peaceful and warm, standing here, that she'd dozed on her feet. Auron stroked her hair again, now dry and trying to tangle. "We should probably get back," he said. "Mm, you're probably right," Rikku sighed. Reluctantly, she began to step from the circle of his arms. Auron stopped her. "Wait." "Hmm?" "I want to --" Auron broke off. "Just... stay." He held one hand cupped before his chest. As Rikku watched, solid flesh grew smoky and insubstantial, and a pyrefly came into being. It drifted there above Auron's palm, hovering in lazy arcs within the open cage of his fingers. "Oh..." Rikku regarded the ghost-light with wondering eyes. Instead of the more usual blues and greens, this one was red. Not the crimson hue of Auron's coat, or the dark stain of blood, but a rich, vibrant red, like the glow of banked embers, warm and comforting. Auron extended his hand, and the pyrefly followed his fingers. "Touch it." Tentatively, Rikku put out her fingers, holding them in the glow of the pyrefly's light. "Oh... it's -- it's nice." She didn't quite know how to describe it, even to herself. It was warm, and soft, and a dozen other things, and Rikku knew she wasn't feeling any of it with her fingers. Auron gestured, and the pyrefly sailed straight into Rikku's bare chest and melded with her breastbone. Rikku gasped and clutched at the spot. "Oh!" Auron ducked his head, watching her closely. "Is it -- all right?" "Yes. Oh, yes." Rikku nodded vigorously. She could feel the warmth inside her now, spreading out under her skin, sinking slowly deeper. Auron had -- had given her a piece of himself. The realization struck, reverberated, and shook Rikku all the way to her roots. After that, there really wasn't any choice except to kiss him. END PART 3
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